based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
