im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
