sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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