I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
