They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
