I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I puked a lego.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
