got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
