so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
