Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
