Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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