Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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