Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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