He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
