I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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