you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
