I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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