and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
