turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
