If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
