Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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