if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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