I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
