he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
