I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
