Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
