guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
