i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
