So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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