I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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