life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
