I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
