margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
