im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Actions speak louder than pants.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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