my phone needs a breathalizer
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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