you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
