were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
