I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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