Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
