if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
