Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
