you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Pants are for mortals
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
