I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
