If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
