I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
