if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
