Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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