life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
