I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
