I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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