I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
